Signs Everywhere

“Portland State”
© 2004 Jim Arnold, Portland, OR

I guess if you’ve been paying attention, you’ve noticed that most of the photos I’ve posted recently have been of signs. Signs, signs, wherever I look. Big signs, small signs, commercial signs, hand-made signs; advertising, promoting, accusing, demanding. They’re everywhere!

So, I’m thinking: aren’t there signs made not of solid matter, but rather more like “signals from the universe”?

What’s going on? There are “signs” in my life that seem to be pointing in a positive direction. And it’s happening rather all of a sudden. I had those two interviews the week before last (and I’m still waiting to hear back about results and/or next steps). Now, as of this afternoon, I have three more scheduled in the next three weeks: for an associate dean position (Salem, OR), a vice president position (Aberdeen, WA), and a vice chancellor position (San Mateo, CA). The latter is with the San Mateo County Community College District (Bay Area), the place where I came in a close second for a dean’s position during fall term (and where I made a good impression and some friends, I think).

With all this interviewing activity, aren’t the chances pretty good that there will be some place that will fit? (One would think…!)

I’m choosing to believe that all these invitations are a good sign.

And it certainly feels better to be popular than not!

Soundtrack Suggestion…

And the sign said “Long-haired freaky people need not apply”
So I tucked my hair up under my hat and I went in to ask him why
He said “You look like a fine upstanding young man, I think you’ll do”
So I took off my hat, I said “Imagine that. Huh! Me workin’ for you!”
Whoa-oh-oh

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign
Blockin’ out the scenery, breakin’ my mind
Do this, don’t do that, can’t you read the sign?

(“Signs” – Five Man Electrical Band)

Spring Cleaning

“Mo’s Color”
© 2004 Jim Arnold

“Spring in the world!
And all things are made new!”
(Richard Hovey)

This is the week of spring break, or at least it’s the week of our spring break here in Oregon (for the public colleges and universities, that is). Not all colleges in the country take a break at the same time, of course: the sunny vacation spots and airlines couldn’t handle it! This time of year certainly makes me think of taking a trip – namely one for fun and not one where I’m someplace merely to interview. Two years ago in March, I took a day trip to the Oregon coast and visited Mo’s (see above) in Newport. I also made another trip that month up to Bellingham, WA, during spring break week and had a spectacularly good time there, on the ferry ride, and in Port Townsend.

Typically, too, during this time of the year, I try and attend to the “spring cleaning” ritual. I clean house more thoroughly than I normally do, the car gets special attention, and, now that I’m in living in a house, I decide what to do with the yard.

This year, all that seems so senseless. The sale of the house closes this week, I’m told, and I will have a new landlord I have never met and whose name I do not even know. What is constantly in my awareness is that I need to vacate these premises by the end of June.

Why put any effort into cleaning right now at all? There’s no reason, actually, so I guess this place will just get dirtier and messier until it’s time to for me to pack up and leave. It’s not the way I’m inclined to live, but there are just so many more important things to pay attention to at the moment.

Maybe we all should be thinking of other, larger-scale tasks, instead. Let’s bring some newness to the world by making it a better place?

● By removing the troops from Iraq and Afghanistan?

● By sweeping the likes of Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld from the West Wing and the Pentagon?

● By upgrading voting machines in places like Florida and Ohio?

● By replacing the current occupants of various statehouses with more effective ones?

● By building voter confidence in government enough so that tax measures would/could be passed that are adequate to meet state and local needs?

Yes, there are lots of ways that this season of renewal could be used. How about some fragrant blossoms of universal peace and enlightenment?

Metaphor

“Bi-Coastal”

July 8, 2005
© 2005 Jim Arnold, Portland, OR

I believe I have taken a picture of this sign at the Oregon Country Fair every year I’ve been there. I love its color and texture. Will I have a schedule allowing my attendance there this summer?

I wonder what life is to bring me in the next few months. I have a temporary job and am furiously looking for a new one. My rental house is being sold out from under me. I have experienced rejection and displacement. I must find my way away from here, but what that means, exactly, I don’t know.

Right now, it seems that my total focus is looking for work. (Some might argue that blogging is right up there on my priority list, too.) The actual process of seeking a different domicile has not yet commenced, as I hope to combine that with a new job and city. I spend weekends preparing job applications, and every single vacation day doing interviews. My expanding list of physical symptoms of stress have led to regular doctor appointments, and now even more-frequent acupuncture treatments.

The scariest physical symptom I’ve experienced, so far, is the development, ten months ago, of tingling and numbness in my left foot and toes. If one can give any credence to the “illness as metaphor” perspective, then what interpretation might apply here?

I am numbed-out? I am unfeeling? Part of me is asleep? I am frozen? I am burning up inside? Part of me is dead? I am damaged? My nerves are frazzled? I’ve taken a misstep? I need to tread lightly? I need to walk away? I’ve stretched myself too far? I have a hole in my sole (soul)? I need to realign my qi? I need to find someplace warmer? I need someone to give me a foot massage?

What can this possibly be about?

Ambiguity

It’s late in the afternoon on a Thursday as I write this. I felt miserable when I got up this morning and didn’t go in to work. Instead, I napped during the day, and was able to get in for an impromptu acupuncture appointment. I’m feeling a tad better now, but still very low energy. Perhaps, just perhaps, my physical self is a mirror of my current emotional self. The uncertainty of where my life is going is a constant energy drain.

Admittedly affecting my emotional state, in part, is an editorial published by the Bend Bulletin last Sunday entitled “Another state education bureaucrat unnecessary.”

Yes, the Voice of Central Oregon has come out strongly against the position I just spent two days, and considerable personal energy, investing in. Well, come to think of it, the time involved was much more than two days. I studied quite diligently over the last month for this interview, including reading many of the articles, editorials, and letters-to-the-editor in that very newspaper (after paying for an online subscription!).

Really: I don’t know where life is taking me these days. I also interviewed for a community college dean’s position last week, and, coming up, on April 18th, I have an interview at Grays Harbor College in Aberdeen, Washington, for a vice presidency. (Take a look: right now my name is on the front page of their website!)

Ohhhh, I like this attention! And, ohhhh, I’ve had enough of this ongoing ambiguity! It’s been over two solid years of not knowing. Please, universe, allow me to land safely sometime soon!

Peace Now

March 19, 2006
© 2006 Jim Arnold, Portland, OR

My last entry was motivated, of course, by the third anniversary of the U.S. invasion of Iraq. To mark the occasion, I was part of a contingent of approximately ten thousand who gathered in downtown Portland on a bright, sunny, spring-like Sunday afternoon to rally for peace. It was the largest demonstration I had ever been part of. (And, obviously, dedicated documentary-photographer that I am, could not leave my camera at home.)

I admit that I use the term “rally for peace” quite purposefully. To label this a “war protest” would be a mischaracterization, I believe.

Let me elaborate...

I lived through the Sixties. (And, yes, I actually remember them.) As a young man who turned the draft-eligible age of 18 in 1965, I knew that, quite literally, my life was on the line with practically every personal decision. After high school, I made the choice to go to college – admittedly as much to earn a student deferment as an education.

College campuses then were much different than they are today, and often known for their level of anti-war activity. Students – we – knew what war was, were able to view its horrors on television every evening, and (the males at least) were acutely aware of the fate that awaited us should we cease to be students. Campuses were home for “the movement.”

And, by the time this massive social movement generated most of its heat, in the late Sixties and early Seventies, organized protests were serious, intensely-emotional experiences. Thousands and thousands of young American men had lost their lives, and there seemed to be no end to the slaughter. We, the country, increasingly (yes, I know, it took several years, and it was never a consensus view) deemed Vietnam an unjust war, entered in to illegally, and perpetuated by leaders who lied to the country about its origin and purpose. And, no exit strategy was in sight.

(My, how times have changed, eh?)

Candidate Richard Nixon’s “secret plan to end the war” was seductive, and served to dupe the electorate enough to get him elected President in 1968. But, of course, there was no such plan, and by November 1969, protests reached massive proportions; a march on Washington, D.C., (the largest ever, I believe) that month attracted over 250,000 emotional, highly-motivated participants. Then, on May 4, 1970, four students were killed at Kent State University as they raised their voices in opposition to Nixon’s decision to invade Vietnam’s neighbor, Cambodia.

The demonstrations I participated in, in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, and Corvallis, Oregon, were less dramatic than those, but still, certainly, intense. For example, I remember standing, for the most of one entire night, outside the county courthouse in Eau Claire listening to the reading of the names of war dead. And, even in sleepy, conservative Corvallis, I witnessed acts of civil disobedience during this period.

My point is: the anti-war movement, back then, involved actual protest. My sense of what goes on now, and, regrettably how I experienced the event on Sunday, was that we (and I’ll include myself) engaged in a social gathering as much as a “protest.” Yes, it was a rally. Yes, there were speeches and inflammatory rhetoric. Yes, there were placards with serious messages, some of them quite outrageous and irreverent. Yes, there were marching and chanting. (“What do we want? PEACE! When do we want it? NOW!”) Yes, there was plenty of that typical protest-like activity.

But, did the event seem oriented toward effecting change? To me: no. It simply didn’t have that feel. Rather, it reminded me of a retro theme party. There were many, many of us (yes, again, I’m guilty) with still- and video-cameras, engaged in a party-picture kind of enterprise, posing for photos, while with friends and/or holding signs. There were families and others congregated into small groups. There were dogs and Frisbees. There were information tables and pamphlets. There were commercially-made flags and other artifacts, likely ordered from internet sources. And everyone had a cell phone. Geeesssh.

OK: bottom line, here’s what I miss. The outrage. I want us, the American people, collectively, to be incredibly angry about the meaningless large-scale loss of life in a part of the world where we really have no legitimate business. I want us to be incensed about the erosion of our civil liberties. I want to hear of our insistence on being told the truth. I want a gathering of this magnitude to mean something: to be acknowledged as part of a nationwide effort to change the direction of the morally-bankrupt regime in, and agenda that we now have coming from, Washington, D. C.

I want peace. And, I want it now.

“Death March”
March 19, 2006
© 2006 Jim Arnold, Portland, OR

Down By The Riverside

March 19, 2006
© 2006 Jim Arnold, Portland, OR

Soundtrack Suggestion…

I’m gonna lay down my sword and shield
Down by the riverside
Down by the riverside
Down by the riverside
I’m gonna lay down my sword and shield
Down by the riverside
Study war no more

I ain’t gonna study war no more
Ain’t gonna study war no more
Ain’t gonna study war no more
I ain’t gonna study war no more
Ain’t gonna study war no more
Ain’t gonna study war no more

I’m gonna walk with that Prince of Peace
Down by the riverside
Down by the riverside
Down by the riverside
I’m gonna walk with that Prince of Peace
Down by the riverside
Study war no more

I ain’t gonna study war no more
Ain’t gonna study war no more
Ain’t gonna study war no more
I ain’t gonna study war no more
Ain’t gonna study war no more
Ain’t gonna study war no more

I’m gonna lay down that atom bomb
Down by the riverside
Down by the riverside
Down by the riverside
I’m gonna lay down that atom bomb
Down by the riverside
Study war no more

I ain’t gonna study war no more
Ain’t gonna study war no more
Ain’t gonna study war no more
I ain’t gonna study war no more
Ain’t gonna study war no more
Ain’t gonna study war no more

(“Down By The Riverside” – Traditional)

Travelin' Man

“Gettin’ Around”
Taos, New Mexico
August 19, 2005

© 2005 Jim Arnold

Yup: I made it to Corvallis, to Bend, and back. I’m exhausted but alive and well. It’s amazing how much living can be packed into a few short days should the opportunity present itself. My brain is abuzz with things to talk about.

Ah, where to start? Maybe with a list of topic possibilities, such as: the pleasing size of my tax refund?; the car/bicycle accident I witnessed in Corvallis?; an extremely rare ex-wife sighting?; how my body was reacting to the stress of this most-recent interview experience on Thursday morning?; how I played with my water-bottle cap during part of my interview time in Corvallis?; the drive across the mountains, particularly the blinding snow, rain, and hail storms I experienced (successively, not all at the same time) late yesterday afternoon?; or the state of exhaustion I felt last night after being “on” for five straight hours during interviews, then immediately driving four hours to get home?

I could probably write a decent little blog-entry essay on any of those topics. And, it’s possible I will. But of course, the heart of this week’s experience was the OSU interview. And, believe it or not, as I write this today, I’m struggling with the inclination to hold back in discussing the last two days’ events.

The Central-Oregon-based Oregon State University position I interviewed for, if I were selected, would quite likely make me a public or semi-public figure in Bend. There will surely be an article in the Bend Bulletin about the position and the successful candidate, whoever that is. So, I can’t help thinking: my name would be announced; somebody, likely the newspaper, would Google me; and here’s TechnoMonk’s Musings: my personal life totally on display for all the world to see. I haven’t kept too many secrets here! (Ohmygod! Maybe I should have thought of this earlier?!)

Well, I guess the reason this is even in my head, is that I believe the interview process went quite well. I walked away yesterday with the sense, and still feel today, that my performance was exceptional (if I do say so myself) and that I made a compelling case why I should be the successful candidate.

So there.

At this point, I don’t think it would be appropriate for me to go into any of the real details of the process or the personalities involved. Well, other than to say that they certainly did structure an experience designed to get to know their candidates. I’m pretty sure they have an excellent sense of me, anyway.

One little story might not hurt, though. As I was attempting to answer one of the questions posed by a committee member in Bend yesterday, I was talking away…and talking and talking. I went on for maybe three or four minutes (that’s a guess), and then, smiling at the group, I finally stopped myself. I said, “well, you know, I’ve been told that I’m really pretty good at giving ‘policy-speak’ kind of responses – you know, the kind of political non-answer answer that sounds good but just doesn’t really say anything? I think maybe I’m doing that here and should probably stop.” It got a little chuckle from the group, and the mayor of Bend made an observation, something to the effect, that given my skill in this area, perhaps I should run for Governor?

So, there was a little time for a touch of humor in the midst of much seriousness.

I’m told that Bend, Oregon gets, on average, about 300 days of sunshine a year.

Even though I’d have to buy snow tires, I could probably handle that.

Soundtrack Suggestion…

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right…

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right
It's all right

(“Here Comes the Sun” – George Harrison)

Freakin' Technology!

Just when my day was going OK…well, tell me: why is it that some little piece of technology has to muck it up!?

Yesterday, right before I was about to drive to my interview, I put my iPod on the dock that allows me to connect it to this computer and the iTunes software.

Nothing. No response. Nada.

What is going on here? It was working fine a couple of days ago! And, I’ve changed nothing. Why is this happening? I’m going to be traveling this week and: I NEED MY iPOD!

I mean, whoever can go on the road these days without their cell phone and their tunes? Certainly not me.

What’s a guy to do?

Well, I got home from the interview and set to work: went to the Apple website for iPod support. Tried what they said. Failed. Tried again. Failed again.

The iPod worked on its own, but my computer no longer recognized it … which, ultimately, it must. These two technologies are inextricably linked. Nothing seemed to be working. Plugged it into another USB port. Nothing. Tried another dock, another cable. Nothing. Took a chance: tried yet another USB port. Finally! For some reason, the USB ports on my flat-panel monitor had stopped working, but the one remaining port on my CPU allowed for normal recognition of the iPod. Whew! And, I finally figured out tonight, a full day later, after fooling around some more, that the primary USB connection from CPU to monitor was simply loose. It just needed to be unplugged and plugged in again. All this time!

Well, at least I’ve got this technology glitch solved, and I am now basically prepared to do some traveling. I packed and ready to go. I'll be writing more upon my return.

Soundtrack Suggestion…

I’m getting’ bugged driving up and down the same old strip
I gotta find a new place where the kids are hip

My buddies and me are getting real well known
Yeah, the bad guys know us and they leave us alone

I get around
Get around round round I get around
From town to town
Get around round round I get around

(“I Get Around” – Beach Boys)

March Madness

OK: what’s a sports reference doing on this blog, even if just in the title?

I don’t know what’s gotten into me! This is going to be such a zany week, I guess I do feel a touch “mad.” I know the basketball stuff all starts now (even though I missed watching the selection show yesterday afternoon), but that, of course, is not the source of my craziness. This is interview week for me, and it’s all I can think about, pretty much. Good luck getting any work from me the day and a half that I’m actually in the office!

I interviewed for a dean’s position at another community college today…a brief 40-minute “getting to know you” kind of deal. I thought it went quite well, but I guess only time will tell to see if I make it to the next stage. What I liked about today’s process was that it was actually manageable. They only had six questions, which were totally possible to answer in the allotted time. Nothing felt rushed. They listened attentively, I felt pretty relaxed, and I was able to use several real-life examples from my present position in my answers. I was satisfied with my performance, and that’s not always the case in these situations. Whew! One down!

On Wednesday, I travel to Corvallis. I see my tax preparer that afternoon (as long as I’m in the neighborhood – he’s been doing my taxes for over 20 years), then I interview on campus on Thursday morning. Following that, I drive over to Bend to complete the rest of the process there. I am obligated to do a short public presentation on Friday, and I’m a tad anxious about how that will go. In any event, I’m in the game this week. And it feels good to be a starter again. (Geez, once you start with the sports metaphors, there’s no stopping them!?)

Work & Health

One of my colleagues at the college was admitted to the hospital yesterday. She and I had chatted just the day before in her office, and, after hearing a brief report on her latest health issues, I urged her to go to the emergency room. As of this writing, I’m not sure if she’s still hospitalized or if she’s been released. (In any event, Val: get well!) But, holy health-insurance, has this development got me thinking…

The jobs my peers and I have tend to sap us of our spirit and our health. Or, at least that’s the effect on some of us. Some of us talk about it, while some suffer in silence. And, as I’ve mentioned before, one administrator on our campus died of a stroke last summer. Can our salaries and benefits packages really be worth this?

I’m concerned about all of us. And, I wonder about those few who say they’re happy, yet relate that sentiment with deep lines of fatigue, stress and anxiety on their faces.

We just hired another top-level administrator this week…someone who I’ve known for a few years. I have been unable to send him a note of congratulations, struggling with how inauthentic that would be of me.

Richard Bach muses: “Why bother to live an unhappy life?”

Why, indeed?

Authenticity

“Gate”
Santuario de Chimayo
New Mexico
August 21, 2005
© 2005 Jim Arnold

“All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.”

William Shakespeare

Oftentimes, I truly struggle with the role in life that seems to be mine.

In relationship, I showed up: totally, passionately, and with great capacity for commitment. I lived, not merely played, the role of devoted partner, lover, friend, confidante, and care-giver. I loved deeply and had the expectation of being loved back proportionally.

Steadfast in my role, I kept hoping against hope that something would change. I anticipated that she would eventually discover, in this person, me, her mated soul.

Oh, I wanted: the joy of that discovery!

In this life, it seems I keep playing the role of the broken-hearted one. It was a constant theme that I was rejected, left to lick my emotional wounds, allow time for them to scar over, and then attempt the same uneven dynamic all over again.

How can two people be so close and yet so far apart? How can the universe be so cruel?

Today, everyday, I show up in an environment where I attempt to play a similar role. I find myself in another situation where there’s no commitment to me, yet I am expected to show up, perform, give my all, and care. I have been trying to play, at great personal cost, the role of a caring person in a dysfunctional, uncaring place.

Here’s the deal: I believe that I am an authentic individual. I am exhausted by the role of inauthenticity that this environment forces me to play.

I desire connectedness. Team play. Commitment. And, yes, love.

I continue to find myself in situations where those crucial, life-affirming forces are absent.

On and off stage, what I have to offer is my one-man act. Alone. I look around and the set is empty. Except for me.

Exhausted Yet Hopeful

The energy it takes to engage in a serious job-search is considerable. I tend to be overwhelmed a lot of the time, probably because of the oppressive relentlessness of the process. There is always, always something to do. There is no such thing as a coffee break or day off when this is your life. And literally: THIS. IS. YOUR. LIFE.

For me, I have to admit that I am not only overwhelmed, but exhausted.

If one is attending to the “job” (of job-searching) as one should (and must), there is detail after detail to attend to. For me, I always have at least one application in process, or, if not, I know that there is yet another web search to perform in order to see if something has surreptitiously opened up and been posted while I wasn’t paying attention.

Right now, I have two interviews to prepare for that will happen next week. Of course, that is absolutely the kind of place any job-searcher wants to be in. The entire purpose of all the friggin’ paperwork in the first place is to get noticed enough to get the interview. So, I’m happy. Of course, one of these interviews is a two-day process, happening in two cities, and involves a presentation open to the entire community. I have needed to stop almost everything else in order to do the research for this presentation.

With these two interviews, I will be averaging slightly more than one interview a month over the last six months. While the goal of an offer and acceptance of a new position has not yet been reached, there is evidence here that I’m probably on the right track.

But, the rest of it. Oh, the rest of it. I have forms and letters for the next four application packets in process, with due dates that are coming up fast. There are letters of application and interest to revise and customize. There are resumé copies to print out (mine is 17 pages long; I use a lot of printer ink). There are copies of transcripts to duplicate, collate, and attach. There is an inventory of mailing envelopes to maintain. There are reference letters to ask for and people to keep in touch with.

And, always, always, always, there is the time that must be spent online visiting the sites that may yield the piece of information most desired: the posting of “the perfect job.” Ah, does such a thing exist?

This process is difficult for me, and I consider myself an expert at it. I have taught job-search classes, so, presumably I know all the “right” things. I have a killer resumé, and a stock form of an application letter that provides a lengthy, but engaging, narrative of my education and experience. So, I think I know what I’m doing.

I’m getting noticed. I’m being talked to. I just need the right “fit!”

“Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn’t permanent.” – Jean Kerr

Deadlines

Our Mt. Hood Science Expo was held thirteen days ago, and yet its responsibilities are still part of my daily routine. Folks on campus frequently ask the question, “aren’t you glad the science fair is over?”

To which I merely sigh. What else can I do? It’s way far from over.

Yesterday was the due date to have the paperwork filed with the international organization (the International Science and Engineering Fair, ISEF) and, this being our first run-through, we misinterpreted some of the requirements and deadlines. It was a mad scramble in the morning to figure out what needed to be done, and then to do it. What craziness. Fortunately, I had just one parent to work with, and he was totally delightful and cooperative. We now have the entire entourage (for the trip to Indianapolis) identified, registered and the paperwork-issues straightened out (oh, I hope so at least!).

The day was high stress, and I very much appreciated the fact that I had an acupuncture appointment to end the day.

American Barnstand

“Barn Windows”
Buford Park, Lane County, Oregon
April 17, 1999
© 1999 Jim Arnold, Portland, OR
(digitized from the original Kodachrome)


From the soundtrack of our lives…

Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses?
You been out ridin’ fences for so long now
Oh, you’re a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin’ you
Can hurt you somehow

Don’t you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
She’ll beat you if she’s able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can’t get

Desperado, oh, you ain’t gettin’ no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they’re drivin’ you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that’s just some people talkin’
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don’t your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won’t snow and the sun won’t shine
It’s hard to tell the night time from the day
You’re losin’ all your highs and lows
Ain’t it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin’, but there’s a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you
You better let somebody love you, before it’s too late

(“Desperado” – D. Henley/G. Frey)

Moment by Moment

“Life does not wait: Whether we spend our lives meaningfully or not, the time will be used up moment by moment.” – the Dalai Lama.

OK, I know what you’re thinking…first a song-lyrics phase, and now a quotations phase? Oh, well: this one caught my eye on the Quotidian Quotes page.

The above thought strikes a chord with me, of course, as I continue to question the meaningfulness of my life at the current time. I realize that I’m not, really, living in the present moment, but rather waiting for something else, presumably better, down the road. This is not much of a way to live and I know that. Is it within my power to change this state (other than totally changing my life)? Yes, I suppose it is. I am certain that things must be different than they are for me…but what if I’m wrong about what that looks like? What if it’s just my attitude that needs adjustment? I admit that that’s a possibility. (Yes, most of the time I believe it’s a remote one, but it’s a possibility nonetheless.)

This limbo-like state that I occupy these days is disorienting. I’ve never been so unsettled for so long…

…well, as I write that, I know that that’s not entirely accurate either. I was, for the whole of my 20s, in a condition that was barely emotionally survivable. I had chosen poorly in terms of a marriage partner, and spent nearly the entire ten years living with unhappiness & despair – and a variety of physical ailments (including chronic, debilitating tension headaches) that signaled, to anyone paying attention (though certainly not me at the time), the unsatisfactory condition of my life. I believed, truly believed, that I was not ever going to see my 30th birthday. When, on my 29th, I was still living and breathing, and it occurred to me that my personal lifespan assessment may have been in error, I started to make some radical changes. First, I weaned myself from the Valium habit I had developed (prescribed by a series of physicians for coping with my headaches), and then ultimately left the dysfunctional relationship that was at the root of my problems.

At that time, as I finally decided: what was called for was a radical reshaping of my life. I knew deep down (really, even through all the years of denial) that wholesale change was needed. And my life experience since then, and the several dramatic transitions that have been called for, has taught me to trust my judgment when I believe that change is necessary.

So, is an attitude adjustment in order? Definitely. But, on a higher-self level, I know that I must restructure this existence of mine in order to survive it.

Patriots

“Patriot Act”
Oregon Country Fair
July 9, 2005
© 2005 Jim Arnold, Portland, OR





I am putting up another photo from the 2005 Oregon Country Fair because: (a) I just haven’t taken the time to upload that many photos here, (b) I like the costume on this guy, and (c) I’m beginning to think about the war protests that are going to happen this month. (And, anyway, we really do need to take our county back!) We’re nearing the third anniversary of the start of the war in Iraq, and this insanity has gone on quite long enough, don’t you think? It’s time the so-called peace movement gets its collective ass really in gear; just how many more have to die?

There are protests scheduled all around the country two weekends from now, and I plan to participate here in Portland. The Portland Peaceful Response Coalition website announces that Sunday March 19th is the day to gather and let our voices be heard regarding the craziness imposed upon us, and the lies told, by the likes of Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld et al. I hope to see you there (or that you’ll participate wherever it is you’re reading this from).

“Those who are willing to trade their liberty for security deserve neither.” – Benjamin Franklin

UrHo

The cover story this week in Willamette Week is about blogging. (Why is it now that I’m a blogger, life seems saturated with the topic?) Apparently, three twenty-something guys here in good ol’ Portland have put together UrbanHonking.com, a sort of “blog of blogs — an invitation-only family of dozens of different Web diaries, loosely united by a certain aesthetic and the fact that [the founders are] well, are fond of them.” I just picked up the most recent copy of WWeek yesterday, so I haven’t explored the site much yet, but it might be worth checking out.

Balance

I got word yesterday, via a surprise email, that a former co-worker from my job-training-agency days in Albany, is having serious health issues. Mitzi is a dear, dear friend who helped see me through some dark times in the mid-80s when I was both desperately unhappy at work – and my relationship with J was an emotional roller-coaster. In recent years, we have tended to get together annually for lunch, usually in late December, to catch up on our lives. Mitz now reports that she has a condition that I have never heard of: dermatomyositis. Fortunately, her daughter from the Bay Area is here and helping her through this...get well, Mitz!

For myself, I continue to struggle with my peripheral-neuropathy symptoms (tingling & numbness in my left foot and toes). I rather feel like a yo-yo in terms of the emotions that go along with all of this. Some days, I am almost “normal.” Other days, like today, totally unexplainably, I have symptoms that are more acute and I get depressed. I had an acupuncture treatment today, but it brought little relief. I requested that we get as aggressive as we possibly can with treatment, so we’ll see if anything will happen. As it stands now, I am, for the first time, “wearing” a few tiny magnets in my left ear (taped in on top of traditional acupuncture points) to see if this will help. This particular technique is a first for me.

Fortunately, my condition does not really limit me. It’s more nuisance-like than anything. So, given that it got up to a sunny 56 degrees this afternoon, I went for a walk through Mt. Tabor park – one of my favorite places here in SE Portland to take a stroll.

I came across a person recently who said, surprisingly, she “didn’t believe in acupuncture.” I really hadn’t heard anything like that from anyone in quite awhile, perhaps due to the company I typically keep. I haven’t necessarily ever thought about “believing” in acupuncture or not. The practice has been around at least 5,000 years, and though it’s considered “alternative” therapy here in this country, it is traditional Chinese medicine. I believe it is as legitimate as anything “western” medicine has to offer…it’s merely an option to explore. Once you can get past the idea of having a bunch of needles in your body (I know that’s difficult for some folks), it can actually seem quite “normal.” I was so relaxed during my session today that I went to sleep and, at one point, woke myself up with my snoring!

Let’s hope I can get my body’s energy force, qi, back in balance. [FYI: I’ve heard some variations in the pronunciation of qi, but am told that it roughly should be said “chee.” And, now that I’m trying to write about this, I am unable determine whether or not it should be capitalized: qi or Qi? I don’t know…]

Anyway: balance. That’s my goal.

Recent Activity

Ohmygod, this is the fifth month I’ve been posting here! 55 entries: I can hardly believe that that’s possible! Who woulda thunk?

On the job-search front: I turned down one of those three interviews I mentioned last time. The Virginia Community College System (in Richmond) called and wanted me to visit as one of five candidates they would interview for a mere one-hour each. And, they were willing to reimburse expenses only up to $750. I of course informed them, with the short notice they were giving, airfare alone from Portland to Richmond was over $1,000! When I insisted (tactfully, gently) that I was a candidate worthy of a full-ride trip (estimated at $1,500), they raised the offer to $1,000 – which I respectfully declined. It would have cost me three days away (precious vacation time that I only use for interviews these days) and $500 or more out-of-pocket: all for a one-hour audition. This was a painful decision, but these folks just didn’t seem as if they were taking me all that seriously. Well, perhaps, too, maybe I couldn’t really imagine myself living in Virginia…who knows.

But, the calls keep coming. Yesterday I learned I was “advancing” in another search: a Vice Presidency at a community college in Washington. They will be checking references before anything else happens. My, my, I do like all this activity!

And, there’s plenty of other, normal activity at my “day job” (compared to my “actual job” of job searching) to keep me preoccupied. There seems to be no end to the details of wrapping up the science fair. We have to decide who will accompany our winners to ISEF in Indianapolis in May. Will that be me? Does it make sense that it would be me? I need to consult my trusted planning group and come up with a recommendation in the next few days. I told everyone that we need at least one more meeting, so I’m going to buy pizza for them tomorrow at lunch and we’ll see what kind of plan we can come up with. These folks are so good that it will be difficult to give up my time with them…although, I really believe that we’re all hugely relieved that we pulled off the fair and now it’s OVER!

Actually, there are lots and lots of folks at my present workplace that I’ll sorely miss when I leave (for good). I believe I’ve made tons of friends here, and I’m anticipating that I’ll be leaving them all behind sometime soon. That will be very difficult for me, despite the obvious need for me to make a major life change.